Yesterday was ALSO the best day ever!  And the day before it too!
Wow! Wow! Wow!

Do you ever check your wall on facebook and read "[you are] planning on going to [some event]" and stare at it for a while before being like

Ha!  No I'm not.

I think it's funny when that happens.

Best day ever of 2009!

Well, maybe not.

But, one, it was really great,
and two, THERE'S SO MANY I CAN'T EVEN COUNT THEM ANYMORE!

And now...

Love...

love


love


(fuck)

love

Laura mentioned livejournal and I realized I haven't updated in what feels like almost one hundred days.

This year is great so far and with the ever-exception of tooooo much death I am happy.

Today I am licking my wounds, nauseous with a migraine and feeling sorry for myself, pleased to have caught sun during the day and wary of the the reawakening winter.  I am home and right now everything feels so far away.

There are places I could be, should be, but can't be, really, and even if it makes less sense in the morning for now it's fine.  There are places I have been that haven't made sense in the morning, too.

I want to design rooms and I think I might have the opportunity to design rooms now.

I quit Delta last month and I feel free.  Planes keep crashing, and my family feels scared and grateful, and I feel grateful too, but mostly just alive and free.

I'm a little weirded out by myself these days because I am turning into the fish that Angela thinks we all are. 

Seth is dead, and it's hurting, and I don't understand it but I do, and I think of Sarah and I think of Sarah and I think of Sarah.

Pink and red, pink and red, stores are pink and red and the empire state is pink and red and like it or not our thoughts drift through on and upon pink and pink and red.  It is everywhere and I'd lie if I wrote that those sugar hearts weren't tugging at my flesh one all week.  I feel no hatred for this holiday as some or most pretty consistently express; in general, there is nothing I support more than a holiday that pays tribute to love and the colors pink and red.  My mother celebrated it with my sister and me since before I can remember; in fact, opening a valentine's day card in our bedroom in my first house is one of my earliest memories.  For her, true love is family, and she tried to send that message to my sister and me our entire lives.  It's the preoccupation of it being a holiday about romance that gets me confused and makes me want to suggest that perhaps the greater populace is missing the point.

So I am thinking about Saint Valentine and thinking about my family and my friends and anyone else i have loved for a lifetime or for an instant, and I am also feeling sick and a little moody and lonesome, and I am thinking about people I love, and I am looking in the mirror and I am not sure when this evening my brow hardened into a doubtful or perturbed ridge but it has and my own reflection makes me question the validity of the many ideals I muse over.  Sometimes, I wish I was a tree.

This is something I have sent or paraphrased to close sweet others over the course of the week:

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over."

It is from The Luck of Ginger Coffey, which I have not read, but I think the quote is beautiful.  But it seems to have made everyone--all, save one--it seems to have made everyone I shared it with wince.

So. 

I wish everyone a happy Valentine's Day--whether you are the lovesick store manager traveling five hundred miles to be with your sweet sweet girl, or supporting the band of a friend you love, whether you are returning home to a puppy who you love and loves you, whether you are guiding young artists through an evening of video and sound, whether you are stuck in front of a computer screen at the office dreaming of love or whether you are somwhere in Mississippi (presumably without a phone charger), whether you are in the middle of break-up sex or make-up sex or sex with a lot of make-believe, or whether you are in a suddenly-empty apartment being held close by a lover whose arms are there to help your shaking body forget what it's just seen. 

Oh man.  Oh man.

To everyone, to all of you, and to they in most certain--love, love, love, love, love.

I RELISH FAD(s)
LA DIRE FISH
I DIAL FRESH

Today she had awoken with the shakes and he knew that it meant she was on the verge of a breakdown.

The clock has it out for me.

Boyoboyoboy.  I am so ready for baby Jesus to take me to his manger of a vacation home.

Skulls and Klimt and HEROIN

Hm I was hoping to have more time than this but
 
I AM TAKING A TRIP THE 19th-21st.  
I MISS AVITAL AND SARAH ROSE.

In other news I have created a cupcake, a piece of burnt and an Aladdin.
In other news welcome Laura Helmer.  Later Jacqui.
In other news hooray for the hospital, the place to be on a Friday night.  Hooray for Cipro.
In other news Michelle Michelle Michelle Michelle Michelle.  Barack.  Michelle.
In other news, Softgiving was my favorite day!
In other news, why is he so affectionate?
In other news, why is he untouchable?
In other news, where did you go!
In other news, in other news, in other news--
(I never thought hearing those three words would be so bittersweet)

Judith!  Venez!
Kraine Theater.  30, 1, 2, 7, 8, 9; 2:00, 8:00, 8:00, 2:00, 8:00, 8:00.

Anemone!  Venez!
Playwrights Theater.  12, 13, 14; 8:00, 8:00, I assume 2:00 and 8:00.

IN THE MEANTIME:
I'm in a skip divided malfunction
I flap around and dive bomb
Frantically around your light
Enveloped in a sad distraction
I got your voice repeating endlessly
Could you guide me in?
Could you smother me?
I swoop around your head
But I never hit
I'm blinded by your daylight
Electric veins pass through me
I thought there was this big connection
I only got my name I only got the situation
I just need a number and location
Without appropriate papers or permissions
I'm known to bite in tight situations
And I head into your french windows
I thought there was a big connection
I only got my name I only got my situation
I just need my number and location

And my mum keeps telling me
Hey hey hey hey hey hey
The devil may
Hey hey hey hey hey hey
You are a fool [x2]
For sticking round [x2]
Yeah you are a fool [x2]
For sticking round [x2]
I tried every trick in the book
I tried to look and knew
Every trick in the book
But how come I look?

No more common dress or elliptical caress
Don't look into your eyes cause I'm desperately in love
In love
When you walk in the room everything disappears
When you walk in the room it's a terrible mess
When you walk in the room I start to melt
When you walk in the room I follow you round
Like a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a lapdog
I'm your lapdog, yeah
I just got a number and location
I just need my number and location

(Ooooo oooooo oooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooooooooo ooo ooo)
(Don't these types of posts drive you bitter)

Ohh, ohh, ohh.

I feel soft and I feel blue.  I feel loved and in love.  I feel full and I am craving.

I find, here, that the more I want to say, the less I can.
I am bored by my revelations and surprised by my habits.  (That sentence there both shocked and slumbered me.)

I want to ask questions but
I want answers but
I want I want I want I want I want but

but but but but but but but but but but but

I am clearly so sick of buts.

LET'S OUST BUTS NOW.

DON'T YOU WORRY BOUT A THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING

I feel mad harassed!!!

Homeboys!
Please stop trying to have sex with me!
Please consider the problems with this!
Please stop cock-blocking each other at every chance you get!
Please don't try and kiss me and please don't sulk when I don't head home with you.
Please, just be chill and calm and maybe even if I may ask this of you come around
at the proper moment in time
instead of all at once,
and all intensely,
and all from the same whale mouth bloody source.
I Have Such Love,
Already,
and a shadow of this is still somehow far better than a preview of you.
(Though it's prickly to say.)
And also,
Please let Max's wish for me come true.

Neighbors!
YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN FUCKING RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TURD ON MY DOORMAT THIS MORNING WHEN I GOT HOME
BUT I HAVE A HUNCH YOU WERE
IN THAT THIS IS THE NEXT IN A SERIES OF INCIDENTS WHICH HAVE ME BELIEVING THAT YOU HATE ME
WELL GUESS WHAT.  YOU FUCKING SUCK.
I DON'T HATE YOU BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH NOW
AND IN THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO LOVE ME
I'M CONVINCED THAT YOU MUST JUST BE CONFUSED.
AND SO IT'S UP TO ME TO MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT,
BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.



I feel better!!!

LOVE
TVOTR
Concerts
Random text messages that give you what you had in mind anyway

DON'T LOVE
Not being able to properly celebrate Gammy's birthday
Feeling musically uneducated
...because my musical tastes get severely knocked
and
learning the truths behind reactions when I'm already in the middle of making the problem worse

and cancer.
cancer.  fucking. sucks.

Is it Monday?

it was one of those weeks

t7eqERGGUYAFGUYBHJDSGUYRWGIYUCSGYUBCHBIUAHIUFHIUEGAHHHHHHHHH

IT IS JUST TOO DARK DURING THE MORNINGTIME MY SNOOZE-SOUND FRIEND

_____

EDIT:

What's too bad is that I know I'm gonna lose it based on the fact that bombs they bombs they come in threes
And it is only six hours into this day and
Too much has happened that will probably change everything.

Wish I could pocket your words and scribe them to my brain's flesh and then I wouldn't have to stare them in the face.
Wish I could swallow your time and help you get through the hard parts softly.
How I wish that when my body gets the things it needs it weren't by accident and weren't by incident.

This morning I am forcing myself to take stock of the things I have stacked high beside me:
good home
good friends
two jobs but at least one
exposure and opportunity to and for art
youth and after all the ability to heal
I take stock

Ugh

Six fourteen and my head is all turned around

Quite frankly
she thought
it would be a good day

Pride goes before the fall
but pride shows before the ball.

There have been so many times in the last few weeks where I've opened this page to make an update and stared and stared at the screen and stared and nothing's happened so I close the lj tab because I really haven't anything to say.

Well, now I'll say this.

Today is a very big day.